| this is why i dont like people/boys/dating |
[09 Nov 2009|01:46am] |
Me: "Hey do you want to hang out on Tuesday?"
D: Oh, yeah, I might have something to do, I'll let you know."
Me: "Oh...what do you do on Tuesdays?"
D: "Well...my friends and I like to play online games together then but we may not this week."
i want to be an old woman who lives in the woods. maybe i will live with a female companion or maybe alone. guys are trouble. every time i open my heart or actually seem to like someone, something like this happens. either i pick losers, or they find me. when will the universe send me someone worthy? or, is this a sign i need to be alone? or a dyke?
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[17 Oct 2009|03:16am] |
Going out is actually fun. I actually like college bars. I like sour amaretto.
Today Codie drove me to Zumba which was surprisingly hard. It was me, Roxana, and this group of 29-45 year old Latina women BREAKING IT DOWN. We danced to Boriqua, to Uh-Oh, to Gasolina. And the instructor WORKED us. We twisted, we salsaed, we merengued, we hip-hopped, it was SO HARD. I thought i would pass out numerous times. But the thought of quitting and walking out when two 45 women next to me were going through with THEIR shimmys, rotating hip shakes, and salsa steps would be too embarrasing. God the instructor was a combination of hip hop video dancer and Macy Gray and Rihanna. In.Tense. if you live in wheaton and you want a workout, Ballys Monday or Friday at 7:30 pm. Bring a lot of water.
Then went to College Park with R and her Indian. Tomorrow is homecoming, so everyone was absolutely drunk tonight; girls screaming and flailing wildly at each other on Baltimore Ave, they played 90S MUSIC IN CORNERSTONE ALL NIGHT including bsb and nsync AND britney and we got to relive our middle school days, M and his friend B were entertaining, everyone in the bar was dancing up a storm and pretty much a huge mess. An extremely tall pudgy man tried to dance with me and by dance I mean, collectively move in to wear i was dancing and grind. ew.
Then we got DP Doughs and I got the roni zoni and it was delicious and perfect and drunk and now im talking toa cute anime serbian who i like except for the anime bit and now i can fall asleep to the sound of the rain falling. isnt it funny how sometimes life just works out?
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| tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth |
[10 Aug 2009|12:31am] |
I am reading "Eat Pray Love" which was the talk of the town last summer but since i bloom late, i read late too.
It is the story of a woman who had everything outward facet of success- big apartment in Manhatten, big house, nice husband, venerable writing career. But this woman was deeply unhappy. So, she embarked on a tragic affair with another artist and got divorced from her husband but that only plunged her further into the bedrock of despair so she did what so many of us want to do: she got up and peaced out to see the world for a year and learn from it. She spent 4 months in India learning about the art of doing nothing, the pleasure of just being and eating good food (mozarella and Napoleon pizza, mmmmm) and now she is in an ashram in India, learning about meditation.
She is learning about the ego and how the ego distances you from who you really are. The ego tries to make a person think that there individual experience is unique, that they are a Person and not the same as every other part of the universe, that there is something individualistic about them. Through meditation she is beginning to have all of her demons rise to the surface as she tries to figure out how to free her mind from her enslavement to memory and, if you will, find God. I like this. I never thought about how our thoughts and emotions influence how we feel. She writes that we are governed by our thoughts, our thoughts control our emotions, our emotions dictate how we feel. I've noticed that when I play happy songs, I feel happy. After thirty minutes or so of listening to the Smiths, how can anyone feel anything but gray and drizzly? Or after listening to someone you love fight, or reading a sad story on the news, or getting caught in the rain and having to go into work in a white blouse, how can anyone feel anything but sad, that the universe is secretly trying to kick there ass in every instance possible?
If, I am learning, I can learn to steady my mind and reach into a deep place of inner solitude, if I can learn to be compassionate towards my own misgivings and the misgivings of others, to control my thoughts and not let myself be guided my negative emotions, then think of what I or anyone could do with their lives! To be able to train your mind to think positively...then, as Beyonce says, nobody can get you down.
I've spent most of this summer inside. I've spent a good portion of it on my new computer, or downloading new (awesome) music on Itunes, or resentful at my irresponsible but lucky sister, or scared and not wanting to go out. There have been some marvelous times as well- the gay pride parade, beach week, my moms birthday, when Luke and Alex came to DC- but in general I've felt trapped, angry, confused, lonely, stagnant. And what I'm realizing is that I inflict much of this damage on myself- by refusing parties or happy hours, by not exercising when I should, I hurt myself. What is so cool about this book (and perhaps about life) is that all of this can change- the way we think, the choices we make, the people we surround ourselves with, the literature and the music and the art we imbibe, what we eat, etc. The amount of douchery in the world is something we can choose to not get angry at and maybe a parking ticket doesnt have to be the cause of great chagrin.
I am willing myself to love myself. I need a meditation group. and a guru. And a regular date with the MLK swim pool. I feel myself slowly stirring, waking up from a summer of deep sleep.
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| maturity? pssh |
[21 Jul 2009|12:29pm] |
Yesterday: at the request of my aunt, I showed up to help her serve food at the Great Falls male hash event of Monday night. A hash, quite frankly, is a "drinking club with a running problem," where people run or walk on a marked course that a member created and wind up at a house with food and drink. Hashers like to get drunk- to be initiated into the group, you have to drink beer out of your sneaker while a group of rowdy people sing a song about you: the lines I remember from last night are "You're no fucking use to anyone, you're no fucking use at all."
So, it's me, my aunt, and 40 40+ but mostly 50s-ish guys, guzzling beer and talking about Washington politics. Apparently I was the only fan of the "socialized" Obama health care plan that will "bring down America as we know it." Conservatives' fear mongering tactics both annoy me and amuse me- who even thinks our health care system is great in the first place? People die every year of preventable illnesses- obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes. And health insurance is a bitch. But I digress...
Anyways, after serving tamales and listening to almost retirees tell me how to get a job in Washington (all i learned: "know people," and "intern for a while") I concluded that I don't think people's maturity levels ever reach much higher than college. Seeing a group of men call each other "girlies" or spit voraciously while talking about "fucking RyanAir's fucking cheap flights" or about "those African men who give aids to their African wives because the f*** prostitutes," to watching them sing together, while drinking beer, I found it eerie that these men who could be my dad's friends were not too different than the guys at any standard St. Marys Lacrosse party.
Scary? or hilarious? both. i think that beneath the Blackberries and the business suit costumes, most people always remain 22 years old.
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[12 Jul 2009|04:24am] |
went out to black cat tonight. many white people dancing. many white men dancing. have concluded that i like androgenous possibly bisexual guys who are into art. also do not like 5 foot 5 med students who went to yale. have been there, done that, leave me alone, im not that cool or smart and i want to travel and write and not have my life all planned out and i dont care if you went to the ivy leagues, it doesnt make you smart and it certainly doesnt mean you are an automatic good human or citizen of the world.
went to ani difranco on thursday, got in touch with my innter lesbian. would definately do ani, who is bi. also would do the drummer who was a perfect mix of feminine and masculine, who i was drooling over in her short wifebeater. have never wanted to do a girl like that. i was surrounded by girls, listening to ani talk about how if women were in charge, there would be no war, and i felt so strong and empowered, surrounded by this sisterhood of women all celebrating having vaginas.
there is nothing i love more than the feel of taking off my restricting dress and putting on a big cotton teeshirt. sometimes i wonder how necessary my whole going out wardrobe and makeup shenanigans is. it is so fun to dress up but being comfortable is almost as nice. sometimes i have the urge to shave my head and let myself go but know i do not have the balls to exxecute this. it would be nice to be half female half male and see what life was like.
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[11 Jul 2009|04:48pm] |
it is almost 5pm. i woke up nursing a hangove which included a charlie horse in my left leg which left me hobbling. how did i get this? how does this happen? last night i went out to a bar in dc where there was a glorious open bar from 9 to 10:30 on u street. We got there at 9 on the dot to make the most of the open bar. I think my favorite part of the bar was the fact that the crowd created the playlist; you could text a song or a band to the number on the screen and they would play it and play the video to the song on a giant screen. When they didn't have the video for the song they would play clips of the Harry Potter films, it was pretty amusing to see a 12 year old Harry talking to Ron while a singer crooned "Tonight may be the niiiight."
Watched a friend get pulled in by short ex-Obama campaign staffer, was checked out by a bearded tall man in glasses who was kind of dancing by himself (usually a bad sign), bonded with some other guy who was waiting for a bathroom with me who gleefully exclaimed "There you go!" when my door was open.sT
Still havent figured out this whole meeting-people-in-public places thing. Maybe it's a ruse. Who actually meets people in a bar? I feel like it's this giant myth we're told is true. The closest I've come to meeting someone in a bar is having a townie in a blue shirt throw peanut shells at me while giving me bedroom eyes at the Door. shudder.
in other news i got an internship. im interning at goodwill 4x a week and helping write grants and article for the economic recovery website. it is an incredibly diverse environment- a lot of black people, a latino man with an eyepatch, a blind guy, a bunch of jews, everything. Have not become friends with my coworkers yet- girl E who is closest to me in age is kind of condescending- but I don't care too much. also it is near a moby dick and this brings me unending delight.
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[24 Jun 2009|07:03pm] |
things i hate:
-CRAIGSLIST
-ads that only want 'experienced servers'. how can i get experience as a server if you only want experienced servers? seriously how hard is it to bring people food?
-bill o'reilly and his stupid show. i wish that the woman who sued him for sexual harrassment had gone through with court instead of settling for millions of dollars because then his career couldve been over and i'd never have to see his stupid face on tv again except in an orange prison suit.
-being unemployed
-conversely, eating humble pie day after day while not having a job and being too proud to commit to lifeguarding when its an hour away in dc at waterfront aka southwest aka not my favorite part of town
-not writing when i know i need to
LIFE IS BEING SO FRUSTRATING RIGHT NOW. i need a timeline to get out of the us. i need to take macro and micro econ at mc. i need to stop staying up til 6am downloading music and talking on gmail i need some sort of balance structure or something to get me on track- if i dont get a job for another few weeks then i will go back to cheo and southeast lifeguarding i will....i just feel like a huge ass failure, like a sloth sitting in a dunk tank with Fail water, who cant get out of the dunk tank because it's encased in glass and little annoying children are throwing balls at the dunk tank and i keep falling back in, dejected and all.
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| life after life as we know it |
[21 Jun 2009|01:24am] |
post graduation life is strange i've been home a little more than a month and i've spent it going on interview after interview, telling lady a why i think i'd be a great server, lady b why i want to intern for her, lady c why nannying her kids is something i am THRILLED about doing. it all feels a little dishonest- why cant i just say i want to make some money and get some professional experience? jeez.
i have visions of going to peru or chile right now but due to the less than 1k in my bank account, this probably wont happen until february or march, when the southern hemisphere school year starts. i came very close to teaching in andalucia, spain, in september, which appealed to me in three ways:
a) i could wear a dress and dance flamenca at la feria in sevilla
b) i would be out of the house sooner- the end of september
c) cristobal
however after option c ceased to exist and the mere mention of him caused me to become mournful/shrivel, i decided to negate the whole spain idea. its sad that my whole memory and concept of spain is tied up with him, but it's true, and if i go back, i know i will unravel or become enmeshed in a friends with benefits situation until i leave, heartbroken and penniless, with a lispy andalucian accent and scant dignity.
bottom line: latin america is more badass. they have pupusas, third world poverty, indigeno culture, salsa, better food (peruvian chicken), and it'd be a whole continent away. i wish i could pack my bags and head to an arequipan orphanage now but sadly will be here for many many more months.
in the meantime things arent bad. living at home is annoying but since my dad doesnt really talk to my sister and me its more like being a tenant. the pups are adorable at my moms, i've gotten to see many smc and high school friends since i've been home, and it seems like most people are doing what im doing: living at home and searching for a job. it is frustrating that i have a bachelors degree from a good school and that doesnt seem to mean anything to employers, even to coffee shop bosses or restaurant managers. i may go back to lifeguarding if all else fails through june....making 11 bucks an hour watching people swim is not the worst thing in the world. plus i could intern on the side.
also i downloaded a shit ton of music today, mainly
-grizzly bear
-muse
-bon iver
-sufjan
i feel so pretentious and damn proud of it...i love listening to music that makes you want to rise up and do something great/meet the love of your life.
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| one day ill be sent on a beach by the sea |
[17 May 2009|11:31pm] |
So one day I was flipping through Rachel's ipod and I found the song "Calendar girl" by Stars. I'd heard some skinny jean clad, hipster-like people in discussion boards talk about Stars before but I'd never listened to them. And now I cannot stop listening to the song. It is absolutely fantastic. It annoys me that Colby Cailets "Bubbly" video is included in the "Related Videos" link in Youtube- how are Stars and Colby even remotely similar? Every 13 year old girl has memorized "Bubbly"- last year, you couldnt NOT hear the damn song. "Calendar girl" is much more low-fi and profound. I highly reccommend it.
Another band i stumbled into liking is Los Campesinos. When I was perusing Brittanys Itunes to make a new mix CD, in between Usher, Avril, and Backstreet Boys, I found Los Campesinos. Thinking that they were going to be a Latino band that helped me practice my spanish, I included the song, "YOU, ME, DANCING." What i now know is that they are an amazing, awkward Welsh band; the lead singer has a seemingly untrained and completely excitable voice that captures all that pent up energy we store inside of us sometimes...the song just makes me want to dance, which is unfortunate, since I have to be up at 8 tomorrow for a doctors appointment and then the first (!) day of job training.
Oh hey---I got a job! I will be a reading teacher for the Institutes of Reading Development all summer. What this essentially means is that I going to teach kids how to absorb reading material; for the older kids, how to read with fluency and how to read critically. The younger kids will be awesome because younger kids are excited about everything, plus we get to read Madeline, which is one of my favorite books of all time. The older kids kind of worry me- because what teenager is going to be thrilled about sitting in a classroom learning about critical reading on a beautiful summer day? Teenagers scare me because of their surliness- I bumped into a group of teens at the inauguration and one rolled her eyes at me, and even at 21 it kind of hurt my feelings. My supervisor cautions that teenagers "dont need another friend" and that I should be "strict" with them so that they will "respect" me. I guess I did respect teachers like Ms Carballo and Ms Adkins in high school the most- because they demanded a lot out of me and didnt take any crap. Easy teachers like Mr. Meyers (the former clown) were really easy to walk over because they didnt expect us to do anything. So, strict, iron willed, school marm is what i am aiming for with them.
Besides that, I graduated. God. It was so weird. I felt like I was playing dress up when i put on my cap and gown and walking in to the gym where everyone else had on cap n gowns was equally strange and disconcerting. I sat next to Jordan and Amy, who were really nice and kept me chuckling throughout the ceremony. Jordan is such a SMCM student- he was Summa Cum Laude and is always in the library, but he never brags about it, never talks about grades, and is nice and friendly to everyone he meets. I'm glad that the majority of our school is like that- they get shit done, don't complain about it, and are interested and engaged in the world around them without being pretentious, stuck up, and annoying.
Feingold cornered me after graduation and told me i needed to talk to her about finishing up my English major. I'm two classes away, aka one SMP away. I am tempted to retry an SMP but terrified i will fail again. The first round of SMP trying brought out all my weaknesses: inability to communicate when i need help, inconsistency, disorganization. I REALLY want to do it, to say I've done it and to prove to myself that I CAN but it is really a daunting task. My mom thinks I should and it'd be sad to not graduate with English after taking the hellish Methods class, so I'm going to go for it....now I just have to decide if an SMP is worth it or if i should just do the 2 classes.
I didnt even get to say goodbye to my out of state friends because afterwards everyone rushed home to pack up and move out. Lauren peaced out almost immediately and left a bunch of stuff in the bathroom and a lot of cups, all of which i threw away. Then Kait left and then Rachel did too- so I rushed to heave my stuff through my window, jump through my window (hereby flashing unsuspecting parents in my dress), and carry everything to the dumpster/car. After about 3 hours i was done, it was over, I had acquired a very realistic looking plastic palm tree from a guy who couldnt fit it in his car (he was quite mournful about it, actually).
I haven't really done anything since graduation. I'm sad that Alex Calka lives in Connecticut and even though i'll see Kait for a few days, she will go back up to Maine soon. It's weird to be home, and the thought of getting all of this shit OUT of my room at my mom's house and all the college stuff IN is daunting as well- this is why I am STILL wearing the dress I wore on graduation day. I am excited about going up to the beach next weekend- a bunch of SMCM kids wil be there. Maybe it will be like a mini reunion?
All I know is that right now i feel so weird...so lost. What am I if not a SMCM student? Even checking my st Marys email feels traitorous. Being at home feels weird and smothering. I told myself this summer is going to be fantastic but all i seem to be doing is mourning.
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| graduation? |
[15 May 2009|01:13pm] |
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um...i'm graduating tomorrow? how did this happen.
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| homesick for a home i cant touch |
[26 Feb 2009|06:32pm] |
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i am looking up different teaching positions at the Transitions Abroad website. I should feel happy and excited for the opportunities, and, don't get me wrong, the idea of traveling the world and being surrounded by kids everyday is very exciting. but i feel a strange sense of homesickness, a longing and deep desire for home, and i havent left yet and wont for at least 3 months. but home is such a transient concept: right now it means my mom, my sister, my puppies, my friends, my college. but once my mom moves, once my sister gets a job in Costa Rica, once i leave to go abroad all will be different. and in two months my home of four years, ST Marys, will be gone, and my friends will scatter across the country like raindrops. i wish there was a way to freeze the way things are right now so that nothing had to change.
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[17 Feb 2009|12:55am] |
my orthodox jewish aunt and uncle just got facebook. i've spent the past two days completely stalking their pictures, as well as the Orthodox best friend of my cousin Shoshee.
Their lives look so happy. That's the only word I can use to describe it: happy. Content. Fulfilled. Jacqueline, who is best friends with my cousin Shoshee (both of whom went to Yeshiva University, the online Orthodox, all-female Jewish university in the world), has albums which are filled of her friend's marriages and engagement parties. Jacqueline is one of the nicest people I know- she snuck me alcohol at Shoshee's wedding after my dad said I couldnt have any. I know that that alone isnt a reason to define her character but I always liked her for trying to bridge the gap between my Reform Jew/apathetic cousins and myself and the uber-Orthodox side of the family that doesn't use electricity on Friday nights and where you are an old hag if you aren't married and pregnant by 24.
It's not that I necessarily want to be Orthodox. First of all, I don't speak Hebrew, my mom isn't Jewish, the women's rights are restricted (while you can work, your 'natural' place is the home, and you are first and foremost a mother and a wife), a lot of the rules seem arbitrary (i still don't understand the point of the sideburn tendrils), and it is a very closed circle. Orthodox Jewish families only hang out with other Jews. There is this saying in Judaism, "Help one Jew and you help all Jews." I don't understand why they can't change "Jew" to "human." Why should it matter if your family comes from the gentiles or the chosen people? Aren't all people, regardless of their God, the essential same? My five Orthodox cousins have created 15 offspring, and these little kids, Nava Rivka is only 1 year old, these kids aren't different than a Muslim kid or a Christian kid or the kid of two smelly pagan hippies. They're just KIDS- they're all just humans. I don't know. I have issues with extremism. I guess that's why I wouldnt ever be Orthodox- it's too us-vs.-them. I want some sort of religious framework that says that people are equal.
Their lives seem so...happy though. Like Shoshee is 24 and has a 1 year old beautiful daughter named Nava. Or Menucha, who lives in Israel in a Hasidic community and has six kids, whose names I always forget because they are so Yiddish (some of them are: Hadassah, Brocha, Tzipora), she is always beaming whenever I see her. She is also always pregnant when I see her. I dont know if the two are related but she clearly is not a fan of birth control.
I wish my life had some kind of ultimate meaning and divine order the way my Orthodox family's does. I don't know which would be better: adhering to the ancient rules of Orthodoxy and living a tranquil life with a big, close-knit, religious family, or understanding the nitty gritty, dirty, dsyfunctional, materialistic elements of the modern world, filled with freedom to have random sex or listen to indie music, freedom to drive on a Friday night and get a tatoo. Which is better- having the knowledge and pain and Ipods of the modern world or living in a closed off existance like the Orthodox Jews?
I just do not know.
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| this life's too good to last/but i'm too young to care |
[22 Jan 2009|09:05pm] |
Last semester. Holy mother. How did this happen? I feel so comfortable at SMCM- the quiet regularity of classes, the pizza in the Great Room, the Door....what the fuck am I going to do without this comfort web, where all of my friends are a five minute walk away and Sheetz is alwayssss open.
on one hand, the prospect of making money is fantastic to my consistently broke ass. on the other, the whole process of becoming a full fledged adult, complete with an electric bill and an apartment and a job that does not center around a pool is very nerve wracking. exciting in the sense that it is full of opportunity and that i can basically travel to anywhere i want in the world. terrifying in the sense that my parents aren't and shouldn't bail me out of everything anymore. even little things, like health and dental insurance, won't be available for me come may of 2009. which is DUMB- we should be like canada and spain and have universal health care, especially in this economy. even the homeless and the insane and people who our society does not deem as "productive" should have access to basic health care services.
c-bal came and visited me during winter break- he met my grandaddy, my mom, my dad, my sister, my best friend, my conservative as hell aunt, my uncle, my mom's boyfriend...and he dazzled them all. it made me really proud of him to see the genuine respect he had for everyone in my family and for putting up with my loosey goosey self. ahh. sometimes i feel like he is too mature for me- there are so many paths that he has walked down that i have never crossed.
ahh. the future is still way up in the air with him. but i've concluded that, if we decide to end things, i can garner peace from knowing that i did fall in love; that, even at my most wretched, even when i feel unworthy, i can know that i did genuinely love and i was genuinely loved. and there may be more people down the road to meet...or maybe we'll get married and have babies and be happy expats in chile. i don't know but the mere opening of my heart is what has surprised me about this ordeal the most.
my apartment is currently enraptured in all out harmonious bliss. last semester kind of lessens the drams...after all, it's our last hurrah. why be hatin when you can be watchin the office and talking about indian food? so this call to celebration, to cheap woodchuck cider from the door, to random religious studies classes i have always wanted to take, to smiling at new friends, to laughing with former flames....it's allll good. all in the name of enjoying the fuck out of college, some of the best days of our lives.
so let's celebrate...
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| because im cold... |
[06 Jan 2009|05:33pm] |
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Studied abroad in a foreign country on a different continent, became good friends with a Texan and a southerner, saw London, Paris, Morocco, Lisbon, a bunch of cities in Spain, Rome. GOT MY WALLET STOLEN TWICE IN TWO WEEKS- once in Rome when I visited Lauren on a tourist bus and the second time in the Madrid bus station at 7am by a gypsy man with crazy eyes and his tag team of two gypsy females. Had sex. Had a boyfriend. Began an SMP. Fell in love.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I think my new years resolution was "lose weight" which, if anyone knows about Oprahs story, is mine as well: I lost it in Spain from the walking and Maria Theresa's "diets," gained in when I was home and depressed during the summer, lost it during school, and gained like 5 pounds during the holidays- it is an ongoing process
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My orthodox Jewish cousin, Shoshee, age 24, had her first child- Nava Rivka. So cute. Also Bill Roberts knocked up some psychology prof and they had their kid. Not that Bill Roberts is "close" to me, I just think it's interesting.
4. Did anyone close to you die? I dont think so- thank God.
5. What countries did you visit? Spain, Portugal, England, Morocco, Italy--i was VERY lucky this year.
6. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Hmm-- I'm going to have to say challenging myself- studying abroad with a bunch of Americans I didnt know in a foreign country, deciding who i wanted to be friends with, learning SPANISH, meeting Cristobal and all of the hurdles that came along with him. Learning how to cook PASTA. Finally getting my SMP kind of figured out. Not being COMMPLETELY overwhelmed with senioritus. Getting myself out of my depressive FUNK and into therapy. Readjusting back to america and actually liking it.
7. What was your biggest failure? Not having an internship in summer of 08- not planning ahead enough for it. Not finding a summer job I really liked. Being antisocial back at school and not really going out- not enjoying my youth and acting like a grandma on the phone with my boyfriend. Being judgmental.
8. Did you suffer illness or injury? I got this gross rash on my arms in Spain and then this AWFUL two month cough from Jamie when we shared Diet Coke- I was depressed over the summer.
9. Where did most of your money go? My dollar was swallowed up by the might of the Euro- traveling, tickets, hostel fees. When i got home, i spent a lot of money on American food because it is so much better than gross spanish ham- oh and GAS. HELLO 4.50 a gallon gasoline.
10. What did you get really, really, really excited about? THE WORLD. Seriously. Traveling. Seeing a Muslim country. Falling in love- having Cristobal visit America- OBAMA getting elected- thinking of the possibilities for next year.
11. What song will always remind you of 2008? "Falling in love at a coffee shop," by Landon Pigg. Also the song "Chikichiki," you should youtube it.
12. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. i think last year I was pretty blissful being dependent on my parents, spending all of my money on clothes, being a child. i went through a lot of upheaval and change this year but i feel a lot more self actualized and aware.
b) thinner or fatter? skinnier!
c) richer or poorer? richer- thanks to the joys of babysitting in montgomery county.
13. What do you wish you'd done more of? preparing, studying, organizing, GOING OUT and being young, brushing my teeth, working out.
14. Did you fall in love in 2008? SI!
15. What was the best book you read this year? WELL, right now i am reading "Hot Flat and Crowded," by Thomas Friedman which i LOVE- it explains how the US became so dependent on the Middle East for oil (hint: Reagan) while Europe has increasingly invested in alternative energy and fuel efficient cars. it's like a literary orgasm.
Also- Frankenstein, Poor and Pregnant in Paris, Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris.
16. What was your greatest musical discovery? Hmmm--- I really like Matt Nathanson, Ray LaMontagne, OAR, Citizen Cope, Beirut, Lil Wayne.
17. What was your favorite film of this year? Dark Night. The Lives of Others.
18. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 21 baby--- went to Guapos, went to some bar with Yvette and Alex and drank an Irish car bomb.
19. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Being fantastically organized. Having a boyfriend who lived close by. Having a clear idea of what i wanted to do next year.
20. What kept you sane? Chamomile tea, Brittany Pope, Yvette, Roxana, my mother and father (most of the time), my calling card, nature, writing, my dog.
21. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: "It's better to do something and regret it than not do something and wish that you had."
That everyone is capable of immense change but only when theyre brave enough (or maybe fed up enough, or naive enough, or trusting enough) to do it. That sex doesnt really change everything but it feels damn good. That intimacy is frightening but worth it. That the sisterhood will NEVER change.
22. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
oh god- this is hard
"the less i seek the source of my definity/closer i am to find"
-indigo girls- hellll yes
"when you are embarrassed, i'll be your pride/ when you need directions, i'll be the guide,"
-death cab for cutie
"when everything gets lonely i can be my own best friend."
-bright eyes
"I GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I GET UP AGAIN/ YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN."
-ChumbaWumba
wow. this was actually super fun. the news is about the violence in the gaza strip- israel has killed scores of innocent palestinians- two days ago they killed 56 people, only two of them were militants. BACK THE FUCK OFF ISRAEL.
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| pensive |
[14 Dec 2008|07:03pm] |
all your ways and all your thunder
got me in a haze running for cover
where we gonna go from here
where we gonna go from here?
-mat kearney
i need to employ every diversionary tactic i have to keep my mind busy for the next 12 days. yoga. running. i might even succomb to cleaning. anything is better than thinking about this.
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[04 Nov 2008|03:32am] |
it's ELECTION DAY. i am siced. i am home in silver spring to vote because i wanted to vote live, in person, and not via absentee ballot...the polls open at 6am which is in 2.5 hours and i dont really see the point of going to sleep so i am making cookies and watching foreign movies: the lives of others- about east germany before the wall fell (EXCELLENT), and now 'el viaje de carol" or 'carol's trip' about a young girl who goes to visit her grandfather in a spain that is on the hinge of the spanish civil war. good times. i woke my dog up by accident and now he thinks he is getting food so...sorry cal.
i hope the days have past where all i write about is whiney long distance relationships. now i am a free single independent chick....yet the only difference is i'm not as broke now from calling cards and i feel more free....which is good. baby steps is what i tell myself. baby steps.
situation with the roommates is a roller coaster. sometimes i feel like they get mad at me for not being there. sometimes i get mad at myself for promising to party with them and then ending up a) too tired to go out or b) not in the mood. i'm like an 85 year old woman this year, no joke. i turn in at 10pm. sometimes i get angry at them for being so happy. sometimes i get mad at lauren for not understanding me and then i realize that i haven't hung out with her in over a year, and we havent been close since sophomore year. there are some friends, like kate hassett and erin, who will always be my friends, who are tried and true, who are like nalgene bottles, and there are other friends who i question....i want to work it out, i want everyone to get along but it's hard because they are all best friends with eachother and hang out all the time in the suite and my two best friends don't live there...
oh drama.
hallowgreens was fun. brittany was extrememly drunk and teetering all around the greens so i tried to look after her. automn was a very busty queen of hearts and had a swarm of guys around her at all times. megan was a jellyfish, ceci was a cop, ERIN came down and was heath ledger in brokeback mountain, shannon was little miss sunshine and willie was the dark knight. actually willie burst into my room at 9:44 am andwoke me up, clad in darknight makeup, a brown wig, and a white nurses' dress. i thought i was dreaming or that some very drunk girl had mistaken my room for her own, but then the mysterious nurse dress wearer started talkign and it was willie. life.
night all....vote tomorrow!!!! in 24 hours...we have a new president. if mccain wins i'm peacing to spain.
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| show me how you do that trick/the one that makes me scream she said |
[29 Oct 2008|02:36am] |
my brain is absolutely fried. today i: dragged myself to my 8am JCB class after pulling an unnecessary all-nighter last night. I was watching Being John Malkovitch for class and reading for my SMP when I realized that it was five am and i had class in three hours so sleeping for 2.5 wouldn't really do anything...JCB's was suprisingly okay. I had emailed her a poem I was working on for Avatar for her to look at. Emailing a teacher a poem about sex is completely different than sitting in a class with them for two hours and being convinced that every time they look at you, they are JUDGING you for your past exploits...
good times.
Then I went to Historiography at 12 and kept dropping my head and attempting to fall asleep. The really intense girl and the boy infatuated with British history who sat across the table from me kept whispering about my state of sleep-awakeness as if i did not hear them...i did not care. I sat next to this boy who I am very terrified of. I told this to Patrick and he laughed but I am terrified of him because he a) doesnt have any friends, b) stares at women in a really predatory way, and c) writes rape and murder fantasy stories. I am convinced this guy could become a serial killer, so I try to be nice to him, because I really think he has the potential to snap. Everyone says I am being paranoid.
Anyways, Historiography was hell until my dear sweet angel of a friend Patrick convinced me to get up and go get coffee from the Grind with him. Lured by the promise of free coffee, i agreed. We rean into Professor Musgrove, the Asian history prof, down there. There is something so delightfully genuine and awkward about history professors. They have this tangible aloofness that is so refreshing.
I went home and slept and then studied for my Gender in History midterm, which I took from six to eight, and then i finished and felt EUPHORIC until my advisor emailed me and said that my revised smp proposal was, and I quote, "SKETCHY" and that I needed to clean it up so it could be decent. She is literally a Jewish mother, and what that translates into for me is an advisor who constantly guilt trips me, who constantly pushes me and makes me feel like I am not doing enough and that my SMP, and subsequent life, will fall to pieces if I don't shape up NOW. It's terrifying but it's what I need. She is the intellectual version of my bald, ex-Marine middle school swim coach, who used to yell at me and make me do pushups while he gloated with glee.
Anyways: that is life: school, school, school, boringness, random delightful encounters with lovely suitemates, school.
I gave up on going to the Peace Corps next year. It is something I was set on doing since I started college, but I don't feel like making the commitment right now. I want the year off to do whatever I want to do; I want to get my TEFL and teach in some other country before the reality of grad school sets in. Cristobal basically told me that if I teach English in Sevilla, he would let me live in his house, free of rent, and I wouldn't have to pay for food or electricity or anything...it is tempting but when i think of living with him and having him pay for me i feel like i'm being strangled....what happens if we have a fight? how will i ever be independent if i keep relying on people to do things for me? so even if i go back to Spain, I will NOT live with him. I have dreams of living in a cramped apartment with five or six Europeans and having wild, unabashed times, like in the movie The Spanish Apartment, which I most highly recommend.
We are now officially "seeing other people" since we are so far apart. I don't know if "seeing other people," is going to translate into us never seeing each other again in a romantic context or if it is just a temporary thing. The slim pickings at SMCM kind of make me think that I'm not going to go too crazy. But I'm scared of what he will do. I have images of Sevillan girls with tight jeans and long brown hair throwing themselves at him on the street, while he grins sardonically and wonders why he wasted so much time dealing with me.
Long distance is el peor, the worst. These next few months will be terrifying, honestly. We can't talk on the phone anymore and we're not going to email very much, so I guess it is like breaking up....the little git sends me and email today: "I don't know if you are aware of this, but we are very close right now....we tell each other everything...and because of this we can't talk on the phone if we're going to see other people."
Well. Thanks for bringing to my attention the fact that we are "very close." We are "very close" but now we can't talk. It's strange and weird and at least I have schoolwork to distract me, the GYM, which I started going to, my little guitar, my awesome flatmates, hot chocolate, and Gossip Girl to focus on.
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| things i love and hate |
[30 Sep 2008|12:18am] |
every person has so many little random quirks and things that make them squeal and tick. i have a lot of random ones. when i have a case of the mondays, i think about good things. here is andrea's cure for the monday blues:
-coffee heath bar crunch (now made with FAIR TRADE COFFEE, thanks ben and jerry's for kindering my humanitarian side)
-sunshine
-the random lunch ladies talking about which dads pay child custody and which ones are deadbeats
-burning incense in my ROOm
-feeling the sun on my skin
-pablo neruda's poetry
-people who have verizon so that we can talk for free
-organic milk. you can seriously tell the cows who gave you the milk were happy. that is why the milk tastes so good.
Really awful blah things that happen on Mondays and on other days of the week
-jerky people. people who manipulate my friends. people who manipulate my friends and then claim that they are doing so out of the kindness of their heart. there are a few people whom i despise for taking advantage of the goodness of my friend's hearts. i hate hypocrisy more than i hate mosquitoes, veins, clowns, and ignorance. hypocrisy is the worst. like in the scarlett letter, when the reverend was the adulterer whose sperm emissions in that pregnant woman's body led to pearl...people who hide behind a shroud of decency to get what they want out of life. EXAMPLES: george bush, karl rove, pat robertson, adolf hitler, etc.
-complicated relationship woes that cannot be solved because of the unfortunate cockblocking of the atlantic ocean.
yes. it would be better if we never talked again. maybe. or if he met a really hot spanish girl who could lisp her c's naturally and knew how to walk in heels. or if i met an awkward jewish philosophy nature boy who liked to cook. anything would be better than this awful limbo, this pathetic attempt to "distance" ourselves that is not working out, the tears, the long phone conversations, the skype minutes that get used up, the time zone differences. knowing you found someone amazing who you can't have is a terrible feeling.
-i also really hate the rape scene in "irreversible" with monica belucci. it is ten minutes long. it is graphic and unneccesary. why do they have to show her screaming and gagging and choking for ten minutes? i was physically sick to my stomach after watching it. the worst part about it WAS its realism- rapes like that one happen every day. what a scary world...
maybe i will do homework now...sigh...i would love senior year if there wasn't so much work. and i'm FREEZING. i want a hug and hot chocolate and i'm glad it's already tuesday and i'm also glad lauren and kait are enmired in work and i'm glad rachel's having sex because it's her birthday and she actually likes the guy and i'm glad the redskins won yesterday- blow me dallas- and i'm glad that karma seems to be working and good things are happening to good people and bad things are catching up with bad people. except in cases like darfur where bad people are getting away with doing things to good or okay people----i wonder how karma fits into that one.
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| random occurences of late |
[21 Sep 2008|10:13pm] |
So this was the first weekend where I was semi-not antisocial. I went to the St Mary's County Fair on Friday night. It was kind of like White Trash Wonderland. There was an abnormally high number of teenage moms, "St Mary's County Female Republicans," country folk, and clusters of St. Mary's students mingled in. I rode the Ferris wheel for 5 dollars with Brittany and Automb. The whole time, the cogs were creaky, which really scared me but it made the experience more thrilling. There was a beautiful harvest moon out that night, and from the top of the Ferris wheel we could see it perfectly.
The big difference that I notice between Silver Spring and St Marys County is the utter division of black people and white people. Most of the black people who I saw at the fair didn't seem to be educated and looked lower middle class. The County is one of the most racially and socially stratified counties in Maryland, and that was entirely obvious at the fair. Black people and white people just didn't mix. I went to the fair with two of my black frieds, Brittany and Automb, and was aware the whole time of that we were an anomaly.
Saturday Kait, Rachel, Rachel's mom and I went to Asahi. Rachel and Kait are both vegetarians. I admire their strength but would never ever give up meat. Maybe cows, but crab cakes and lobster and shrimp? NEVER. Anyways it was fun and Rachel's mom is as weird and quirky as she is and Kait randomly got a free pair of black flip flops out of the deal.
Saturday night I wandered and wound up at a pseudo swim team party with a lot of people mingled in. I was drunk. I didn't feel drunk, I felt tingly and happy. I think I had had four or five shots of Malibu, which usually makes me tipsy, but since I hadn't eaten a lot of food I guess I was pretty plastered. I ended up talking to this kid, my friends left, he walked me out, and I ended up on the roof of Monty.
Him: "Can I kiss you?"
Me: "No."
H: "Why"
M: "It's complicated with a Spanish boy."
H: "It doesn't count because he's on another continent."
Me: "....."
Him: "Are you really going to waste a night on a romantic rooftop?"
Me: "Yes."
I guess I should have known that he wanted to hook up. I was drunk and I liked talking to my new friends, plus I thought he was still with his girlfriend. Awkward times.
Then I called Cristobal and he got mad at me for hooking up with someone two months ago. What. the. hell. Or, as they say in Spansih, "JODER." We are not girlfriend and boyfriend but we act like it. I call him when I can't sleep and we talk about our feelings and how we can't wait to see each other. So, he made me go over, in excruciating detail, my two month old hookup. When we're not even together. His jealousy pissed me off, but if I found out he had hooked up with a girl, I would be hurt and sad as well.
I hate having this pseudo relationship. It feels like all of the negative aspects of a relationship without any of the positive parts. I hate hurting him, but what am I supposed to do? I can't see him for three months, and after he comes, am I supposed to relocate my life to Spain to be with him? I like him so much, I am falling for him more and more every day, but I am so frustrated with the state of where things are right now.
I need him. Sometimes I feel like I absolutely have to talk to him, and if I call him and he doesn't answer or is busy, I feel my world crumbling, I feel powerless, I feel like I have lost control. All of this scares me. There is such a great probability that we will not work out. There is such a high risk of me getting my heart broken, or me hurting him, or one of us meeting someone else.
Sometimes, though, I fantasize about going back to Spain. What if I go back and it is incredible? What if we work out really well as a couple? He listens to me and empathizes with me in a way few of my friends are able to do. He understands and tries to make me feel better. He laughs with me and calls me when he feels lonely or needs to talk. He is a great friend who I am also fiercely attracted to.
I do not know what to do about any of this. I try to forget but I think about him every day. What is this- infatuation, love, lust, like? It is uncharted territory. I have never been here before, and I have no clue what I am doing.
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[09 Sep 2008|09:13am] |
Senior year is here. It's weird. Being a college student has become so easy, so natural, so a part of who I am. This year, packing took me less than a day, because I knew exactly what I needed and how much stuff to bring. My sister, a shiny bright freshman at WVU, brought about half of her wardrobe (which was still at least 3 times the amount of clothing that I own). She probably spent a good 500 dollars at Ikea getting things like a crock pot that she will not even use. Whatever, tis the life of a freshman.
I was an OL this year, which meant we came back a week early, on August 22nd, and spent five intensive days in training. Being surrounded by 79 other people with loud, strong personalities was, to say the least, intimidating. It also made me feel kind of off-kilter- I realized how much had changed when I left, and how much I had changed since I left. I was so innocent, so naive, so American before I left and I'm still basically the same except I can speak Spanish, I'm not innocent and and I can walk in heels now.
We are in the second week of classes and I finally have my schedule down. I am taking
Victorian lit- with JCB, the goddess of English teachers. Known for being a hardass about rules. We have a huge booklist- I think it is 10 books- and it includes Dracula, Alice in Wonderland, and A Christmas Carol. Color me excited.
Macroeconomics- sophomore lacrosse players and I sit through this grueling, one hour class three days a week. Seriously, no one in that class has a soul. I sit and listen to the grunts and high fives of the sophomore lacrosse boys as i roll my eyes and try to keep from falling asleep.
Historiography- a class on the history of history. Yeah, I don't get it either. But I know most of the people in the class, and they are generally a good bunch, so it shouldnt be too bad.
History of Gender- a combo of history and WGSX students. Led by Christine Adams, who is always put together, who wrote her thesis while PREGNANT. History boy number 2 is in the class, but I think he is hooking up with someone. What does that even mean? Does that mean someone is taken or that they are temporarily getting their sexual needs satisfied by someone who they either a) don't like enough to get into a relationship with, or b) like but are too afraid to tell, so instead they just take off their clothes.
Either way, I think that any possible hookup between myself and history boy no. 2 is unlikely at this point.
In other news, I love my apartment. My suitemates are straight from the garden of paradise- everyone loves each other, no one is bitchy, it is a suite of idealistic do-gooder types and natural herbs and foreign movies. I love it. I also have a plant named Thaddeus who I need to water, I quit swim team so I have more time to do schoolwork and relax and do fun things like rock climbing whicH I have always wanted to do but have never had time.
Senior year....one year left. It feels weird being a senior. It feels weirder when people talk about graduation: May 16, 2008. I have no clue as to what I'll do after graduating, but I'm thinking about getting my TEFL certification so I can teach English abroad for a year. I want to do the Peace Corps but their application is in September, and at this point I'm not ready to apply for a program that would basically sign 27 months of my life away. Everyone around me buzzes about GREs and grad schools, but honestly, I don't see the rush to grow up and pay taxes and be boring.
I am in throes with the Spanish Boy, who had a birthday yesterday. Like every Virgo, he is very closed and analytical, and my favorite thing to do is to get him to open up and reveal himself. He told me via Gmail chat that he would call me last night and he didn't. I know that this is an irrational thing to be mad about- after all, it was 5am there, maybe he was tired- but the fact remains that he told me he would do something and he didn't. It reminded me of when my mom would always try and make me weed the garden- I would say "later today, later today" and not do it because it was an annoying burden. I wonder if I am now his proverbial garden weeds- someone he feels obligated to call but doesnt really want to. And being forgotten is almost as bad as being outright rejected. But I am guilty of forgetting too; the pangs of being home have lessened, the tears flow less frequently, the memories are more hazy now. I find myself being obsessed with my planner, thinking about the Green Door, and wanting to go out and have fun. I never thought I'd reach this point but somehow it crept up on me. Whoever said "time heals all wounds," was right, but I think it's more like "St Marys, Ben and Jerrys, yoga, amazing friends, and the river heal all wounds."
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